Acknowledgement and h/t to B. Michael:
I’d heard one too many sermons from decades’ worth of Reform and Conservative rabbis telling me that the solution to the Israel-Arab conflict was to pray a little harder for Bibi and Abbas to see reason and figure something out. They were all Jewish Rodney Kings saying in that sing-song voice: “Can’t we all just learn to get along?”
All that Zio-lite namby-pamby stuff just didn’t sit well in my Jewish gut. I resolved to search out a real Jewish solution. A Zionist solution. So I strolled on over to the local Chabad House: the brand spanking-new building they built for $20-million that was a down-to-the-last nail reproduction of the Rebbe’s headquarters on Eastern Parkway. They raised the shekels to build it from all those real estate developers guilty they’d made so much money so quick and that they hadn’t done anything Jewish since their bar mitzvah.
I wanted an authentic Jewish experience. No more of that Reform-ative half-way nonsense for me. So I went to the fabrengen and listened via video hookup to the Rebbe’s drusheh. He looked all of us square in the eye (as well as someone can do via video hookup!) and told us that we had to observe the mitzvah of saving our Jewish brothers and sisters in Zion. Not only must we make aliyah, but we must do so now and join the ranks of brave Jews who stood up for their brothers (no sisters in this sermon) in Eretz Yisroel. He offered all those among us free plane tickets who agreed to enlist.
I knew I’d been living a Jewish half-life. I knew all my previous nattering about Israeli democracy and all that peace and love stuff was a crock. What was needed was to get hard-core. A hard-core Jew is the only Jew worth living.
So I got on the plane the next day. I brought along my tallis, tzitzit and tefillin of course so I could daven in the aisle with all the chevreh. I made sure I wasn’t sitting next to any strange women. I had to get the boys to muscle a few shaygetzes out of their seats to make room.
When I landed at Ben Gurion, it was a breath of fresh Jewish air. I knew I was where I was meant to be. There were a few problems though. There was the matter of the gun in my luggage. The rebbe hadn’t said anything about arming myself, but I knew he couldn’t say that in words. After the rebbe’s sermons, a few of the boys set me up with a nice Glock that would do the trick should any Arabs come my way.
I told the Shabak agent who questioned me on arrival where I’d gone to Hebrew school to establish my bona fides. He had to consult a long list of kosher ones and couldn’t find mine . It was Conservative of course. So, looking suspicious, he asked me to open my luggage. From the look on his face, I could tell he didn’t like the Glock. But I showed him the old JDL poster I’d picked up declaring: “Every Jew a .22.” That was in my bag right next to the Glock. That satisfied him.
But then he must’ve read in my Shabak file about my blog and all the nasty things I’d said about his bros in the Shabak. I jumped into the middle of his recitation of a long list of offending blog posts I’d written, and stopped him with a flash of the Chai I wore around my neck and a knowing smile. Then with a flourish, I brought out the Rebbe’s psak din which rendered me kosher. A real baal teshuva. A kosher Zionist. The agent took one look, saw the Rebbe’s signature at the bottom, then kissed it with fervor usually reserved for the Torah scrolls parading around shul on Shabbat. I knew I was in. In the Holy Land. With My People. “Am Yisroel Chai,” I wanted to shout.
Then he looked at me with that soulful look we Jews have for one another. “Ahi, baruch ha ba.” Which, since I didn’t learn much loshon kodesh in Hebrew School, I took to mean: “What took you so long. We’ve been waiting for you for a millenium! Now go out there and get yourself a few Arab notches on that Glock of yours!”
That wasn’t hard. The guy in the monit sure looked Arab to me. And he had on some of that horrid Arab-sounding music with wailing voices that sound like big cats in the jungle. He was dark-skinned too. And spoke Hebrew with a weird, suspicious accent I’d never heard in Hebrew school. I knew what I had to do. I told him to pull over and popped him one with my Glock. I knew from the IDF sniper manual I’d read on the plane that you don’t crap around with shots to the body. I went for the head. The kill shot, they call it. I was proud. My first kill. Now I was a man, a Jewish man. I even had visions of enlisting in the roughest, toughest outfit of all, the Israeli Border Police. They don’t take shit from Arabs. They kick ass (or whatever the Hebrew equivalent is).
But when I looked to the right of the driver’s slumped body, at the CD playing on his car audio system, I saw the singer on the cover. He had a chai around his neck and was wearing one of those knitted yarmulkes those Hilltop boys wear. The name on the CD cover was “Meir Benayoun.” Hashem forgive me. I’d killed one of our own! He wasn’t Arab, he was a Jew! One of those Arabs they call Mizrahi, but a Jew nonetheless.
When the police came they weren’t too happy. But at least I could understand the officer’s accent. And he looked so much more like the Jews I was used to from Brooklyn. Like a slightly darker version of Paul Newman in Exodus. We got to talking and he told me his bubbeh and zayde knew the Rebbe’s father from Poland. His family name used to be Millikovsky. But his parents changed it to Meir, in honor of the Other Rebbe, Kahane.
About the taxi driver, the policeman said he’d forgive me this time because he could tell I had a real Yiddishe neshumeh. After all, he said, the taxi driver was Mizrahi and all those Arabs start to look alike. Sometimes he can’t even tell the difference!
He warned me next time to be sure who I was shooting. Ask the next Arab I wanted to take out whether he’d been to Al Aqsa lately. If he answered yes, I’d know what to do. That seemed great advice. And then with a smile and a wave he said: “Happy hunting!” That was it. I knew I was where I was meant to be. A Jew at home. A real Zionist.
I was going to call this story, “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Killing Arabs.” But I thought that might give people the wrong impression. They might think Judaism was a religion of hate and violence. When everyone knows, or should know, it’s a religion of love and peace…for all my brothers and sisters.
And stop what you’re thinking. No, of course those Arabs aren’t worthy of any consideration. All they want to do is kill us in our beds. The only good one is a dead one. I know this because the Rebbe told me so.
Since the Shabak and their pals in the settler movement, and all their enablers back home, tend to have a minimal sense of irony or humor, I remind them that satire is a powerful tool in the fight against murder and injustice.
Lost Dutchman says
” There were a few problems though. There was the matter of the gun in my luggage. The rebbe hadn’t said anything about arming myself, but I knew he couldn’t say that in words. After the rebbe’s sermons, a few of the boys set me up with a nice Glock that would do the trick should any Arabs come my way. ”
Two bald-faced lies.
The first question, literally, on you aliyah application is ‘Do you currently own a firearm?’ Aliyah regulations prohibit anyone from bringing any kind of firearm into Israel.
Lie #2. An ‘oleh hadash’ cannot get a gun license. Period. Israel’s very strict gun laws restrict gun ownership only to citizens who have completed their Army and Reserves obligations.
Deïr Yassin says
You didn’t read the whole story, did you ? Too busy to be the first to comment, I guess ….
The last sentence were meant for people like you:
“Since the Shabak and their pals in the settler movement, and all their enablers back home, tend to have a minimal sense of irony or humor, I remind them that satire is a powerful tool in the fight against murder and injustice.”
# minimal sens of irony, humor, satire
PS. How many former pen names have you had during your time on this blog ? Just curious.
Richard Silverstein says
@ Deir Yassin: To “humorless” let me add hopelessly literal-minded & totally lacking in imagination (regarding @Lost’s comment). Do I really believe people making aliyah would come with a gun in their luggage? Hmmm, give me a nano second to think about that before I answer…
But now that I think about it, I bet there are a few JDL turds making aliyah who might be stupid enough to do it. And likely Shabak would let them pass once Ben Gvir or Marzel came to the airport to vouch for them.
No one can possess a gun in Israel (at the airport or anywhere else) without a license. And gun licenses are not easy to come by – but it’s still possible for an Oleh Chadash (new immigrant) to get one without having completed Army service. Gun licenses are issued to people who have served in the army, or volunteered in the civil guard, or have a job that requires they have cash and valuables in their possession or if they live in the territories. In addition, they can’t have a criminal record and have to pass a psych evaluation. If you don’t qualify, 100 Baruch Marzels can vouch for you and you still won’t get the license. Just for the record…
For what you say, it seems it’s not that difficult to get a license.
Richard Silverstein says
@ pea: But what if 100 Baruch Marzels are the ones determining whether or not you qualify??
The salient point in your comment is that if you live in the Territories you’re ‘in like Flynn.’ You can be a Jewish Rambo (and they are) armed with even mo’ bettah firepower than the IDF itself. With weaponry subsidized by the hundreds of millions donated by U.S. terror-funding Jewish groups to settlement “security.”
Roberto: there’s more. A handgun owner cannot have more than 50 bullets in his or her possession in total. The current waiting time for the issuance of a gun permit in Jerusalem is 6 months. Gun owners also have to take and pass a gun safety course. Finally, if you leave the country for any length of time, you have to bring your gun to the police who will lock it up for you until you return. Not even 1000 Baruch Marzels can change these regulations. No settler gun owner is better equipped than the IDF.
Richard Silverstein says
I just read an Israeli report that the military has issued shoot to kill because it does not want settlers taking the law into their own hands. One of the things they fear is an even worse bloodbath than currently exists because settlers are armed more lethally than the IDF:
So who knows best, you or the IDF officer who briefed this soldier?
Deïr Yassin says
The story by B. Michael is probably inspired by the Israeli Jew who stabbed another Israeli Jew outside an Ikea store in Kiriat Ata, thinking he was an Arab. As with the Israeli Jew who stabbed four Palestinians in Dimona, this one isn’t called a terrorist either, Haaretz as well as Times of Israel use the word ‘assailant’.
Tweet by Jessica Montell (B’Tselem):
“Interviewer to Jew stabbed in Kiryat Ata: You were stabbed by mistake!
What do you mean by mistake? So if I were an Arab it would be OK??”
It reminds me of someone years back telling that his father, an Iraqi Jew, wore the kippah though he was secular, because he looked ‘Arab’ …
Lost Dutchman says
I understand irony quite well. I also understand that the author lies about Israel’s strict gun laws in order to score political points in a self indulgent game that he’s playing out in his head.
As far as my pen names, I’ll answer that when you answer the question I posed to you in the earlier post.
Richard Silverstein says
@ Lost: As I just wrote you’re humorless, literal-minded unimaginative and just plain downright…well, I’ll stop there.
You can’t “lie” about something that is fiction, dummy. Do you understand that satire isn’t intended to be a literal representation of reality? I didn’t think so.
As far as your pen names–for the purposes of this blog you have ONE and one alone. YOu may not have any more than one. If you do you will be banned here. This is to prevent a whole lot of stupid shenanigans others have tried to pull here with multiple identities & posting fraudulent comments.
Lost Dutchman says
“So I strolled on over to the local Chabad House: the brand spanking-new building they built for $20-million that was a down-to-the-last nail reproduction of the Rebbe’s headquarters on Eastern Parkway”
B. Michael arrested!!
“A man was arrested in Kfar Chabad on Thursday morning. He was caught carrying a club, an ax and a knife, as well as a Hamas flag.”
Are you two guys laughing yet?
Deïr Yassin says
@ Totally Lost Hasbarist
You maybe understand irony “quite well” but apparently you don’t know how to reply to the right comment ….
Did you read the story by B. Michael ? And did you understand the link to the Israeli Jew stabbing another Israeli Jew because he thought he was an Arab, and do you see it has nothing to do with the other comment to which you responded. Wearing blinkers in that bunker of yours ?
Lost Dutchman says
Richard said: “My sympathy is for a boy left coldly & callously to die ”
Richard’s dead Arab boy, alive and well.
Here’s the videos of the boy and his cousin going on a stabbing spree. Missing is the video of them stabbing a 13 year old Jewish boy a dozen times.
The last video in the collection show the knife wielding cousin charging policemen and getting shot to death.
Deïr Yassin says
I think Richard knows the boy isn’t dead (cf. discussion on the other file) and as I wrote: it’s so important to have all the informations correct because Hasbara is known for finding a small detail to prevent people from seeing the bigger issue. In fact, many different sources claimed the images were of the boy killed whereas others said it was of the surviving boy, some also wrote that Ahmad and not his cousin Hassan (Maan names him Muhammad) was killed, but it still doesn’t change much: one of the boys was executed (as ynetnew mentions far down in the article) and the other was left bleeding and in pain, with a cop kicking him at least twice, it’s also important not to forget that an Israeli (some claim it’s actually the one who filmed the images) encourages the police to kill him with a bullet to his head.
And that’s what happened to Fadi Alloun, he was killed by a cop after some fanatics encouraged the police to do so (no images have been released about the actual attack on the Jewish boy that Alloun is accused of). And Hadeel al-Hashlamoun was executed (no images from the check-point have been released to prove the IDF lies but photos to prove the contrary), and another 13 years old, Abder Rahman Obeidallah by a bullet to his heart in Aida refugee camp (IDF claimed is was a ‘regretful mistake’). It’s very unlucky that Mahmoud Abbas was wrong here (I hope he recognize that mistake), because we know Hasbara is going to use that to claim that all the accusations are lies, and that in fact there is no colonization of Palestinian land either ….
The Palestinian Ministry of Information posted the images of Ahmad too, but they didn’t claim he died:
PS. I couldn’t find the videos you mention in your link, but here’s the one released by the police: we can see that one of the boys, probably the older cousin, was shot at and this one died instantly according to even Israeli newspapers.
Arie Brand says
The corporate media are doing their level best to disguise what is really going on here, and there is perhaps also in some instances real ignorance behind this -the ignorance of the average newspaper reader who shrugs his shoulders saying “oh these guys are at each other again”. Eric Draitser provided an apposite comment on this in the present Counterpunch:
“The video of 13 year old Palestinian Ahmed Manasrah bleeding to death on the pavement of an East Jerusalem neighborhood has been described as “shocking,” “disturbing,” and “painful to watch.” The callous verbal abuse and insults from Israelis watching the child writhe in agony are variously characterized as “heartless” and “cruel”; and indeed they are. “Die you son of a whore. Die! Die!” the Israeli onlookers can be heard shouting in the video which has since gone viral on social media.
Reading the New York Times, Washington Post, and other allegedly liberal major media outlets, one could be forgiven for thinking that the nature of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is tit-for-tat, that it is the product of an ongoing cause-effect-countereffect relationship. That is precisely how the conflict is portrayed in nearly all so-called ‘respectable’ papers.
Take, for instance, an article published in America’s “paper of record,” the New York Times, just hours after the incident with the headline Stabbings, and Deadly Responses, Add to Israel’s Security Challenge. In deconstructing the headline alone, it is clear where the bias and deception lies; the Times imbues the very headline of the article with a presumption of guilt on the part of the Palestinians. According to the syntactic logic of the headline’s construction, it is the “stabbings” (presented first) which are the root of the problem and, therefore, the “deadly responses” are just that, responses. The effect is to justify the murder of Palestinians by portraying them as simply responses to an external factor: violence against Israelis.
But of course anyone who has even a rudimentary understanding of the issues knows that the stabbings are themselves responses to the attacks by Israeli settlers and security forces on Palestinians, as well as the predictable outgrowth of seemingly endless brutality and occupation, poverty and despair. The history of colonialism is replete with such examples.
And yet Israelis, and the Israeli state itself, are presented as the victims. The headline frames the issue as being one of a “security challenge” for Israel, rather than, say, a colonialism problem, or a vicious occupation. So, taken in total then, the headline and accompanying article have the cumulative effect of making the victims into perpetrators, and perpetrators into victims, thereby inverting the oppressor/oppressed relationship. This inversion is absolutely necessary in order to whitewash Israel’s crimes, and absolve the state and its fanatical, fascist far right of guilt.”
RE: “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Zionist”
SEE: “Israeli stabs another Jew by mistake, trying to avenge wave of Palestinian stabbings” | rt.com | 5 Oct, 2015
SOURCE – https://www.rt.com/news/318783-jew-palestinian-israeli-stabbing/
Arie Brand says
Here is another critique of a headline – this one in Haaretz. The headline said that after “years of calm” Jerusalem is torn by fear. Anja Meulenbelt, a former member of the Dutch Senate, comments on her blog: “We have to understand that “calm” means that Palestinians are in danger every day, can’t get employment because they can’t work outside Jerusalem without losing their residence permit, are continually arrested, have to fear nightly razzias, have to look on as their city is being cut off from the West Bank and gets more and more impoverished and house after house is occupied by settlers.”